


Love Will Save Us All

by figurehead



Category: Music RPF, Real Person Fiction, The Cure (Band)
Genre: Angst, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-26
Updated: 2011-12-26
Packaged: 2017-10-28 04:38:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/303814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/figurehead/pseuds/figurehead
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>During the 2004 recording sessions, Simon attempts to re-establish a connection with Robert.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Pt. 1

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: I do not own or know the members of The Cure. Any events described here are entirely fictional and I make no profit from writing this. This definitely didn’t happen at any time around 2003 or 2004. Any song lyrics included are © the respective copyright holders.
> 
> Thank you to Ashley, Beth, Jazz and anyone else who is part of the Cure fandom on Tumblr for all your support.

I’m not even remotely sure what time it is by the time I stop playing and look up from my bass, but I have a feeling that it’s some ridiculous time of night and I can’t help but think I should probably be asleep right now - the aching in my eyes and my arms doesn’t lie. We’ve been playing the same song over and over almost non-stop for god knows how long, just so it’s up to Ross’s standards, and I think I’ve just about had enough of it. I’ve persevered for long enough now, but it’s gotten to the point where I’ve started to realise just how much he irritates me as a producer - though right now I’m thankful that this session’s finally come to an end for the day.  
“Okay, guys, that was great,” says Ross Robinson through the crackling PA, “Robert, could you come up to the sound booth for a sec? Everyone else go home, see you tomorrow.”  
While I’m watching Robert as he makes his way up to the control room, Jason gets up from his drumkit and lays down his sticks with a sigh of relief. “Well, I’m knackered,” he laughs, then says to no-one in particular, “how ‘bout you?”  
“Actually, I think Perry and I might just be off to the pub for a bit to drown our sorrows,” Roger chuckles warmly as he turns toward Jason. “Fancy coming along?”  
I turn my head to face Jason as he brings a hand up to his chin, thinking it over for a bit, then smiles widely as he nods before he walks around the back of his drumkit, taking care not to knock over the lighted candles that’ve been placed around it. He makes his way toward Perry, who’s putting his guitar back on the nearby stand, and just a second later they’re both joined by Roger, who turns to face me and says, “You coming, Simon?”  
I hesitate for a moment before I finally answer, “Nah, I’m gonna stay here for a bit and wait for Robert… y’know, in case he might wanna come along too. Hang on, what time is it?”  
“Quarter to 11,” says Perry before he quickly heads off toward the door, “see you tomorrow, Soz!”  
Roger laughs and scratches the back of his head, then says, “He’s a bit excited to say the least, isn’t he? Alright then, Simon, see you tomorrow - but if you do decide to come down tonight, you’re paying!” And with that, he walks through the door that Perry’s left open in his eagerness, Jason not far off behind him - about a second later, Jason quickly bounds toward the door and closes it.  
After I set my bass down on its stand, I make my way toward one of the many amps scattered around the studio and perch myself upon it, watching Robert in the control room. He’s sitting on one of the chairs at the mixing desk and his head is turned to face Ross, who’s standing upright by his side and gesticulating a bit, and I can just about make out an exasperated expression on Ross’s face. And then, after about a minute of Ross talking, Robert turns his chair round so his whole body is turned toward the producer, and he scratches his head as he speaks - I can’t hear either of them, mainly due to the soundproofed glass of the control booth, but I can only imagine what they must be talking about now. There’s something we’re not doing the way Ross wants us to, and he doesn’t look too happy about it. From where I’m sitting I can sense Robert’s desperation as he tries to reason with him, and when he’s repeatedly shot down by him… I don’t know if I can stand to see my best friend being treated this way, so I focus my attention on my fingernails for a moment, looking up every ten seconds or so.  
When Ross finally leaves the control room, throwing out his arms, I stay where I am for a moment, thinking that Robert might need a bit of space to collect himself - but soon I’m nearly knocked off the amp by a familiar crackling sound.  
“Si?” says Robert through the PA.  
His voice is quiet, almost fragile… does he want me there with him? All I know is that I want to be there with him, purely because he’s my best friend and he means the world to me, so I get up off the amp and carefully make my way toward the control room.  
“You okay?” I ask him gently as I walk into the room and see him leaning forward upon the mixing desk, his hair looking even messier than usual with fatigue. He sighs heavily and sits back in his chair, bringing a hand up to his forehead and massaging his temple, before he turns toward me and says, “Not right now…”  
I feel a stab of pain in my heart, and I take a deep breath to lessen it as I pull up another chair and bring it next to Robert, then sit down on it and turn to face him. “What’s wrong, Robin?” I murmur soothingly. “Can you tell me, or…”  
Robert looks back at me with glistening blue-grey eyes, free from his usual heavy eye make-up, and he sighs and looks down at his feet. “I can’t take much more of this, Simon…” he says. “I really don’t know what I was thinking…”  
“Ross again?” I ask as I lean into him, taking his hand in mine. It’s then that I notice for the billionth time how soft his hands are, and that I won’t be able to let go of his hand any time soon. He looks back up at me again for a moment, then turns his face away and murmurs, “Yeah… it seems that nothing I do is good enough for him… nothing I say makes him think any different.”  
I sling an arm around Robert’s shoulder and pull him in closer to me. “Oh, Rob… s’ really not your fault, y’know,” I coo gently. “Ross is just the most difficult bastard in the world, you’ve done nothing wrong, mate.”  
“But he’s been a fan of ours for years, he says,” Robert replies shakily, looking straight at me as if he’s seeking some sort of comfort in my eyes. “I feel like - like I’m supposed to be this completely different person to who I really am - like, how he’s always thought of me, or -“  
“Robin, listen,” I cut him off with a finger upon his lips. “You’re not alone. You’re not the only one who’s getting all the wrong vibes off him - I don’t know if I can stand him for another day, let alone by the time the album’s finished. In fact, you know what? I fucking hate the bastard.” With that, I gently raise my hand and clench it into a fist, highlighting the bruises and scratches on my knuckles for him to see, and I hear his quiet gasp of shock. “See? If I can’t punch his face in I might as well have to make do with the walls.”  
“But, Simon,” Robert stammers nervously, “the songs -“  
“Never mind the fucking songs, it’s you I’m worried about,” I say as I gently stroke his shoulder. “Besides, it’ll be worth it when the album’s out and we’re playing the songs live, right?”  
Robert gazes back at me for a while, his eyes still glistening, and I move my other hand to wrap my arm around him as he leans his head on my shoulder. I pull him as close to my side as I can, and I can feel his body gently shaking with quiet sobs as the tears run down his face and dampen my shoulder a little bit. “Oh, Robin,” I whisper to him, “it’s okay… shhhh… it’s okay, it’s okay.”  
He flings his arm around my neck and buries his face in my shoulder, and that’s when I find myself moving a hand to wipe the tears away from his face, before I bring the backs of my own fingers up to my mouth as if I were kissing his tears away. Right now I’d give anything to be able to show him just how much I love him, not just as my best friend but as so much more too… for nearly thirty years I’ve never had the strength to be able to tell Robert that I’m in love with him, purely out of fear that I’d lose him if I did, but right now I feel like something could happen very soon.  
“I’d do anything, Robin - anything to make it better for you…” I murmur. “I… I love you so much…”  
As soon as the words leave my lips I feel him stiffen, and I turn my face toward his own and see that he’s staring back at me in shock, his blue eyes wide. I turn my face away from his for a moment and try to swallow the lump that’s formed in my throat, suddenly feeling sort of ashamed. Oh god, what’ve I just said? Why did I say that? What’ve I done? I feel Robert pulling away out of my grasp and getting up out of his chair, and without looking back at him I can tell he’s leaving the studio. It’s not until I lift my head and turn to look at the empty chair next to me that I finally feel a pang of loss at his absence.  
I lean forward on the mixing desk and fold my arms beneath my chin, letting out a heavy sigh as my eyes wander over all the sliders and knobs. It all seems meaningless now that I’ve most likely lost my best friend. All it took was five words from me to fuck things up. Five words too many.

What’ll I do next time I see him?

——————-

_Petite roses bend  
To sniff at my ankles  
Pink and red roses lining the path  
The flagstone path that leads to nowhere  
To nowhere decided for now_

_And the dog runs up  
With a heart in its mouth  
Deposited pulsing at my feet  
Blood still ushering from its valves  
It shudders and gives up one last beat  
Shudders and gives up one last beat_

_Oh, who am I to get this gift  
The giver bounding off in retreat  
The dog runs up with the heart in its mouth  
And drops it bloody at my feet  
Roses pester at my ankles  
The heart lies bloody at my feet._

(Lyrics © Diane Cluck, 2004)


	2. Pt. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I do not own or know the members of The Cure. Any events described here are entirely fictional and I make no profit from writing this. This definitely didn’t happen at any time around 2003 or 2004. Any song lyrics included are © the respective copyright holders.

The next day we’re back at the studio to record yet another song for the new album, and this time I’m definitely prepared for the worst. Ross is becoming more and more difficult to work with each day - he seems to have this idea that this album has to sound a certain way, that we have to play a certain way, or else it’s just not The Cure - or his idea of The Cure, come to think of it. I’m sick of it already, and I think I’ve been sick of it from the beginning.  
This song’s called Strum - I’ve got to say it’s one of the best ones that came out of the writing sessions, but I have a feeling that it won’t end up on the album. Still, we’re pretty confident that it’ll sound good when it’s recorded - that is, if Ross doesn’t disrupt this session - but today I just don’t feel ready to go back into the studio. But I make the effort anyway, as usual, because I know how much this album means to all of us, especially Robert.  
When I arrive at the studio he’s the first person I see, and immediately I know that he’s been there for quite a while. He’s sitting at the mixing desk, listening back to a few of the songs we’ve recorded already and putting a few finishing touches on them, and he’s so engrossed in what he’s doing that he hasn’t heard me come in. Just as I reach the door I stop for a short while and stand there, just watching him, wishing I hadn’t said what I said to him yesterday because if I didn’t I wouldn’t have to be standing here like this watching my best friend as if I’ve barely even met him yet. Robert lifts a hand to brush a lock of his hair away from his face, and that’s when he sees me out of the corner of his eye.  
My heart suddenly feels about a ton heavier when I see the surprised and nervous look on his face, and I clear my throat before I quickly open the door and walk into the studio, immediately heading toward my bass and picking it up from its stand. Just a few seconds later Perry and Jason stumble into the room looking somewhat worse for wear, and I’m finally spared a tense and uncomfortable moment with myself.  
“What happened to you two?” I ask Perry as he searches for his acoustic. He turns to face me and I can see the dark circles under his eyes as he says, “Drank Jason under the table last night. I’m beginning to regret it… but Jase had to stay in bed ‘till three this afternoon!”  
Out of the corner of my eye I see Jason making his way toward his drumkit, groaning as he runs a hand through his disheveled blonde hair and knocks over one of the candles placed around the bass drum. He curses under his breath as he falls disgracefully into his stool, then lifts his head and mumbles, “Anyone seen Roger? Haven’t seen him since last night…”  
“He’s just on his way now, I think,” Perry calls back.  
A quarter of an hour later we’re joined by the elusive keyboardist, Ross Robinson just minutes after him, and that’s when Robert finally joins us in the studio, scratching the back of his head. “Alright?” he murmurs to no-one in particular as he picks up his guitar and puts on the headphones. Just a few seconds later I hear the familiar technical crackle of the PA being turned on, making me jump for the fifth time this week.  
“Alright, what song are you guys doing again, Strum?” says Ross Robinson, who’s leaning on the mixing desk on one elbow.  
“Yeah,” Robert replies, and I can sense the confident aura he’s trying to put on to disguise his nervousness from being around me. _Oh, Robin… it never used to be like this,_ I think as I sigh, and immediately we start playing.

 _“‘It will be so perfect,’ I said  
Too beautiful for words  
‘It will be so perfect,’ I said…”_

 _Don’t start playing until Jason’s drums come in. Just like we all rehearsed._  
At the sound of the first drumbeat I start playing at the same time as Robert does, and I keep my head down and try to concentrate on nothing but my own callused fingers pounding at the strings of my bass… but my mind is wandering again, like it’s been doing ever since we went into the studio. It’s something I’ve taught myself to do to escape the real world, where egoistical American producers throw things at you in the middle of a song, where you tell your best friend who you’ve known more than half your life that you’re in love with him and you make him scared to even be around you. But while my train of thought always stays as far away from the studio as possible, it never really leaves the stifling confines of the real world, no matter how hard I try. I’m thinking about her. I’m thinking about Sarah.  
Nearly seven years we’ve been married, and already I feel like I can’t do a single thing to make her happy anymore, no matter how hard I try. I can’t remember when it started feeling like this for me, but I’m sure it must’ve been not long after we had our daughter, Evie. Before I met Sarah I was desperate, sick and miserable; it’s been nearly twelve years now since Carol and I separated, and I remember the despair I went through every day - I was drinking heavily and barely eating a single thing. Robert says that I eventually broke down in tears after a gig, but I don’t remember a single second of it - I do remember having to be flown home to the hospital for pleurisy, however - but if he remembers it clearly enough to be able to tell me about it, then surely it must’ve happened. But when I met Sarah just a few years later, I felt like I’d finally found a reason to stay alive for the first time in years… the same feeling I got when I first met Robert. But recently it’s finally hit me that I’m getting older and there’s nothing I can do about it, and I think even Sarah knows too. The warmth that was in her eyes when I met her is gradually fading away, and sometimes when we talk to each other I can’t help but think that she probably feels obliged to be interested in me anymore purely because I’m her husband.  
“A pantomime of feeling good, good, good, good!” I hear the pure emotion in Robert’s voice as he sings, “Drowning as the smile drifts out…” Not long ago I found myself listening closer to the lyrics than I ever have before, and it scares me a bit how accurately they apply to my current situation, even though he wrote them quite a while ago before any of this ever happened. I wish I hadn’t left it until now to tell him how I feel about him… it would’ve been a lot easier if I’d done it when we were much younger, preferably after a drunken night out… and now I might be losing him, all because of something I said. All because of the truth.

I’m so far away in my own thoughts and Robert’s voice by now that I barely even notice the door to the control room swinging open and footsteps pounding towards me.  
“Your head is full of everyone I ever - _Ross?!?”  
_ I quickly look up to see Ross slamming his hands across the strings of my bass, and I jump back in shock before I involuntarily swing my bass in his direction, narrowly missing his head by several inches. “Fuck off, Robinson!” I yell, clenching my fists.  
Perry, Roger and Jason quickly turn their heads in my direction, three pairs of eyes widened in surprise. My eyes dart restlessly across the room, desperate not to meet another gaze, and I drop my bass on the floor before I turn my back and leave the room, needing to get as far away from here as possible.  
I nearly make it to the door that separates the control room from the hallway before I feel a hand grabbing my upper arm, and I quickly turn round, ready to punch the first person I see right in the face. But when I find myself glaring at a pair of worried blue-grey eyes behind a tangled mess of dark hair, my expression softens and I instantly feel like the worst person in the fucking world.  
“Simon…” Robert pleads weakly.  
I can no longer stand to look into those beautiful blue eyes - right now they bring me sorrow when they once brought me joy. Regardless, I gaze back at Robert until I feel the threat of an oncoming flood of tears and I have to turn away from him so he doesn’t see me nearly crying - every other time he’s seen me cry, it’s been okay for him to be around because it hasn’t been about him. I walk toward the door and push it open, heading off down the hallway and wishing harder and harder that I was dead with every step I take.  
When I’m as far away from the studio as possible, I stop in front of the first wall I see and instinctively clench my hand into a fist, then raise it up to about jaw height and draw my arm back before slamming my fist into the wall. As I repeat the violent action again and again, the tears pouring thick and fast from my burning eyes, I imagine the wall is Ross’s face as I scream,

 _“HOW COULD YOU FUCKING DO THIS TO US?!? HOW COULD YOU FUCKING DO THIS TO MY ROBIN?!?!?”_

After a while I finally stop, my right arm and knuckles aching as I slowly sink to the floor. I bring my hand up to my face and clench it into a fist again, my stomach churning as I see the bloody scratches on my reddened knuckles, a few tiny chips of wood embedded in my skin. My aggression finally resolved, I pick myself up and head off home.

——————-

 _There is a moment  
There always is  
When time stood still  
And always was this  
One endless moment  
You turn in pain  
And I always let you go  
Over and over again…_

(Lyrics © The Cure, 2004)


	3. Pt. 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I do not own or know the members of The Cure. Any events described here are entirely fictional and I make no profit from writing this. This definitely didn’t happen at any time around 2003 or 2004. Any song lyrics included are © the respective copyright holders. (I also have no idea whether Simon has actually wanked over Kate Bush or not.)

Sarah gently opens the front door and I stumble through, feeling thankful that I at least live in a warm and comfortable house and have someone to share it with. She helps me up onto my feet and asks me how my day at the studio was.  
“Fine,” I lie.  
Then she notices my bruised and bloody knuckles and reaches for my hand, gently taking it in hers. “What’s happened to your hand, Simon?” she asks me in genuine concern.  
I quickly snatch my hand away and say, “Fell off my bike,” before I quickly make my way upstairs. I need to rid myself of all the recollections of today before they become memories. I need to clean all the blood and splinters off the back of my hand.  
I need a fucking shower.  
“Simon, where are you going? I never see you anymore!” I hear Sarah calling after me.  
“I need a fucking shower!” I call back before I find myself at the bathroom door.

Within just a few minutes I’m standing in the shower, having pulled each and every last bit of wood from my sore knuckles, and I run my left hand across my face. I hold my other hand - the hand I used to punch the wall back at Olympic Studios - underneath the shower and watch the water washing the blood away from my open wounds and sending it swirling down the drain, and I’m reminded of Psycho. It fascinates me a bit how blood isn’t completely red when it’s being washed away - sometimes it appears to be an almost yellowish brown, especially when there’s not very much of it. I suddenly remember that this is the sort of observation I’d have made in 1982, and I run both my hands over my face again as if running both my hands over my face will clear my head.  
My thoughts immediately turn to what happened at the studio and I’m too drained to make an effort to stop them. But instead of my wall-punching ordeal or Ross coming in and slamming his hands across the bass while I just happened to be playing it, I’m thinking about Robert. I’m thinking about the way he was by the time I arrived at the studio; the way he suddenly changed from focused and serene to nervous and unsure with just a turn of his head. I’m thinking about how he barely even looked at me - and when he did, it was only ever with a wide-eyed and fearful glance. I’m thinking about how I was just about to leave the studio and he grabbed my arm and said the first and only word he’d ever said to me all day… he’d said my name. All I’d wanted at that moment was to pull him into my arms and hold him close against me and kiss him and make everything alright… but I still know now that I couldn’t possibly do that. Though could it have been that he still wanted me around, that he still cares about me the way I’ll always care about him, regardless of everything that’s happened?  
 _Stop feeling sorry for yourself, Simon. Why d’you think that Robert would suddenly start hating you just because you let your guard down and told him you’re in love with him? He’s your best friend, you know each other well enough._

But it’s my fault. He’d been particularly fragile and vulnerable, and I’d only come to listen to him and hold him and dry his tears, but I just let it slip - the one secret I’ve had to keep from everyone I know for nearly thirty years. It’s all my fault. I remember having sworn sometime before I returned to the band in 1985 that I’d never hurt him again after what’d happened just three years earlier.… but this time I’d never even meant to do that. Besides, it was all because of Ross that he was so upset in the first place.  
When I’d heard he’d signed The Cure to Geffen and he was coming over to England to produce the new album, I’d been looking forward to making music again after what’d felt like so long - in fact, I might have to say I was pretty excited. The first sessions before production had gone well, but it wasn’t until we started playing the first song for him that he’d finally revealed his aggressive nature that he’s apparently so famous for. And that’s when I realised, _it’s going to be an absolute nightmare working with this wanker._ And, well… I was right. He comes in and throws things around the room - or even at our heads - to try and get us to play better, he doesn’t consider any of our feelings as long as he gets the ‘right’ sound and feel for the album, he’s intentionally causing tension within the band and worst of all, he’s disrupting my friendship with Robert. If we’d hired a different producer, I wouldn’t need to punch a wall every time I leave the studio, and I wouldn’t have to stand motionless by a door without worrying whether Robert will see me or not, just to be able to look at him, because now we can’t even make eye contact without one of us needing to look away. The negative energy from the studio still lingers every time I leave, and I don’t know if I can even phone my best friend to ask him if he fancies coming down to the pub because there’s no possible way to get away from the tension that Ross tries to create in the studio. Right now I’d give anything to go back to the way things were, when we’d both get drunk until either or both of us made absolute fools of ourselves, when we’d talk about anything and everything and never run out of things to say, when we couldn’t stand to be apart from each other and we were so thankful for our friendship…  
Even now, my heart’s aching with his absence; but the pain is stronger, less bearable. I suppose this is what I get for leaving it too late to tell Robert that I love him, even if I never meant to tell him at the time. I lean forward and press my face to the glass, folding my arms above my head, no longer caring about a single thing anymore but the water beating down hard and fast on my back. As I let out a heavy sigh my breath fogs the glass, and I watch as it slowly evaporates into nothing… just like everything I’ve ever felt was worth living for. And it’s at that moment I remember that I haven’t had sex with Sarah in weeks.  
I suppose the studio’s been keeping me busy.

I draw back and press the palm of my right hand flat against the glass as I reach down between my legs and grasp my cock in my left hand, shuddering as I sweep my thumb across the head. Leaning forward and resting my forehead against the glass, I bite down hard on my lip as I start stroking myself vigorously, the glass fogging again as I start to breathe harder. I squeeze my eyes tightly shut and try to think of an old fantasy to focus on - anything that doesn’t involve Sarah or Carol. Suddenly I remember the countless times over the years I’ve done this thinking of Robert - imagining him with his arms around my neck and his head thrown back in ecstasy - and I realise that this is probably the first time I’ve thought of him sexually in a couple of years. It’s not exactly rare, but it’s not that much of a common occurrence, really; the only time it’s ever been really overwhelming was in the mid-80’s, just after I rejoined. Even if I just saw him out of the corner of my eye he’d be on my mind all day, and he’d be the only person I thought of while I touched myself; not Carol, not even Kate Bush.  
With my eyes closed I can still imagine certain situations just as clearly as I could back then - in my mind’s eye I have Robert pinned against the glass, my arms around him and his legs around me, my face buried against his neck… I can almost hear him panting and moaning and I can even feel his body moving against me, begging me to go in deeper. I bite down harder on my lip to unsuccessfully stifle a moan at the thought combined with the feel of my own hand feverishly sliding up and down my aching erection, making my legs shake harder, though I don’t care who’s going to hear me anymore.  
 _My hand moves up to thread my fingers into Robert’s hair as I continue to thrust into him with all my strength, the feel of his thighs trembling against my wet skin and the sound of his soft cries and whimpers urging me on._  
It’s not long until I feel the familiar heat that lets me know I’m close building up in the pit of my stomach, and my hand moves faster, wrenching several breathless gasps from my throat. I bow my head, my eyes still squeezed shut, still hearing the sounds I’ve been dying to hear my best friend make as clearly as if he were really with me right this minute. The sores on my right hand begin to sear unbearably with each second that passes and my palm is slowly slipping down the glass, nearly making me lose my balance. I don’t dare to open my eyes.  
As my body finally tenses up I brace myself, repositioning my right hand against the glass and biting my lip hard enough to make it bleed, my toes curling as my orgasm draws in nearer. Soon all it takes is just a few strokes of my hand and the thought of Robert’s voice in my ear, low and shaking -  
 _“Simon…”_  
And I throw back my head and cry out loud, so loud I’m almost screaming as I finally explode all over the glass, the force of it nearly knocking all my breath from my lungs.  
“ROBIN!!!”  
I surrender to exhaustion at last, my aching right hand slipping by my side as my head falls forward, my forehead pressed against the glass.  
I don’t move or open my eyes for a few minutes until my breathing finally slows down, and as I draw back, the realisation that I’ve just got off thinking about my best friend finally sets in. “Great,” I mutter to myself as I see the evidence of my shame splattered all over the glass walls of the shower. I reach for the shower head and adjust the pressure before I attempt to wash away the remnants of my release.  
All the while I’m still thinking about Robert, much like how I was earlier but not quite. What I’d been thinking earlier was simply a sordid fantasy, but I know - only I know that it’s all much deeper than that. We’ve been best friends and bandmates for just nearly thirty years, and that’s the way it’s got to stay because I’m pretty sure he doesn’t feel the same way I do, no matter how hard I’ve tried to convince myself otherwise. Besides, he’s married… and so am I.  
Finally I drop the shower head and lean forward, pressing my forehead against the glass with a heavy sigh. I’ll never really be able to show him just how much I love him, not just as a friend but something much more than that. If only I could have him for myself even just one time, feel his soft white body in my arms, watch the look of ecstasy upon his gorgeous face, hold him close all throughout and never let him go… I just don’t know what I’m going to do with myself at all when I’ve felt this way for far too long.  
My shoulders are heavy as I start sobbing quietly.

He means the world to me.

——————-  
 _I’ve been waiting for the lies to end  
Holding for the bad to go  
I’ve been hanging for the ugliness to change  
Waiting for a world too true  
Holding for a world too good  
Hanging for a world too beautiful…_

(Lyrics © The Cure, 2004)


	4. Pt. 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I do not own or know the members of The Cure. Any events described here are entirely fictional and I make no profit from writing this. This definitely didn’t happen at any time around 2003 or 2004. Any song lyrics included are © the respective copyright holders.

“I don’t know what’s going on! I am so confused by you,” Robert sings into the microphone, his hands fixed by the side of his head to keep his headphones in place. “I don’t know what’s going on! Don’t say any more to me at all… to me at all!”  
This song we’re rehearsing right now is one that Robert says he wrote entirely at the last minute when he got home from the studio yesterday. He’d burst in unexpectedly earlier clutching several sheets of paper and looking quite excited - I haven’t seen that from him in quite a long time, though I’m not specifically sure how long. But whatever’s the case, I’ve missed him being this exuberant about something - seeing him this way makes me think of the years that’ve gone by, the happier times when he was so eager to get an album recorded and released and everyone in the band was involved and there wasn’t any tension… I spend most of the session just watching him, a faint smile playing upon my lips as I listen closely to the words he sings, and while I know that this feeling of contentment won’t last I’m more than thankful to be seeing Robert so relaxed and in his element during this particular session. I really haven’t seen him like this in weeks.  
“I am so in love with you! With you… with you…”  
I can’t help but wonder what could’ve inspired him to write these particular lyrics and what they could possibly be about, even though I’m sure I’m supposed to know by know, what with everything that’s happened these past few days. But I realise that if I dwell on it too much I might completely forget what I’m supposed to be playing and when I’m supposed to be playing it, but I’m not worried it’ll aggravate Ross - he doesn’t like us when we play note perfect anyway. Robert’s hair falls into his face as he sings, and he smiles and bites his lip as he gives a toss of his head, flicking his hair away from his eyes, and my heart lights up a little to see him smile again. If only he could smile more -  
“I am so disturbed by - _what the -”_  
At that same moment we’re interrupted by a single loud banging sound coming from the opposite end of the room and Jason’s surprised yell of “Jesus Christ!”, and I turn my head to see the splattered remains of a burning candle on the wall above his head and Ross walking away from the front of the drumkit to stand at the other end of the room, by the wall that separates it from the control room. I sigh and roll my eyes, bracing myself for his impending verbal onslaught.  
“What’s this? What the fuck is this?!?” he barks, restlessly pacing the room and throwing out his arms, and I turn to look at Robert and see the incredulous expression on his face. “What do I keep fucking telling you? You guys are barely even pouring your heart and soul into your music anymore!”  
“Ross, can’t you tell we’re in the middle of fucking rehearsing?” Robert tries to cut in.  
“What the fuck happened??” Ross ignores Robert completely as he continues to rant. “What happened to the Cure I loved all those years ago, who I used to listen to in my room with the volume turned up as high as I could get it when I was feeling pissed off at the world? I know you can do no wrong, so what’s the deal? Why aren’t you playing your fucking asses off like the Cure I used to know?!?”  
It’s not until he makes his way toward Robert that I finally feel my blood boil, and I grip the neck of my bass so hard I think I might snap it in two. “C’mon, Robert, tell these guys to get their shit together,” says Ross as he leans in toward Robert and tightly grips his wrist. “It’s your fucking band, right?” I see Robert tense up visibly as his eyes dart across the room, desperate not to meet anyone’s gaze possibly for fear of false accusations, and that’s when I finally realise that this is the last straw - I’m not going to sit here anymore while Ross tries to manipulate my best friend to get what he wants.  
“Yeah, that’s right, Ross,” I say as I set my bass down on the floor and make my way toward Ross. “It’s his band - _our_ band, actually - which means you don’t get to tell him what he should be doing with it and what he shouldn’t.”  
“Simon?!? What’re you -” Robert gasps as I stand before him and Ross, my arms fixed firmly by my sides and my hands clenching into fists, but he stops mid-sentence as Ross lets go of his wrist and turns to face me. “You stay out of this, Gallup,” he says, glaring daggers at me.  
“Oh yeah?” I smirk, folding my arms over my chest. “What’ll you do about it?”  
“I’ll take your bass and I’ll hit you over the fucking head with it!” Ross nearly yells as his hand clenches into a fist, the veins standing out on his arm.  
“Not if I do that first!” I counter, and I stifle a grin as I see him step back in shock. He manages to spit back, “You wouldn’t do that, you -” but I cut him off.  
“Listen, mate, I don’t know about everyone else in the band but I’ve just about fucking had enough of you trying to nearly split us all up,” I begin, lowering my voice a little but still fixing my gaze on Ross. “Because of what you’re doing to Robert - who just happens to be my best friend - he can’t even look me in the eye anymore and it’s just too fucking painful for me to bear. Oh yeah, and you slamming your hands across my bass _while I just happen to be fucking playing it_ and throwing lit candles at Jason really isn’t making any of us play any better.”  
After I’ve finished speaking, Ross continues to glare at me for a bit longer, and I briefly lock eyes with Robert, only for him to look away as if he thinks I’m expecting a reaction from him but he doesn’t know what to do. _Oh, Robin… I swear it’ll all be over soon,_ I try to reassure him using only my eyes, but I realise it’s useless since his gaze is turned away from me and I look back at Ross again. “… You win this round, Simon,” he sighs in defeat before he turns round and heads toward the door.  
As I watch him swing open the door to the control room and walk through it I suddenly feel what must be a million eyes on me, and I look around the room and see Perry, Roger and Jason staring at me in bewilderment. I swallow nervously and make my way back to my bass, my hands shaking a bit as I attempt to pick it up. Just then I hear Robert say, “Uh, shall we do another run-through of Taking Off?” and I make a mental note to thank him for that later.

We eventually decide to finish early due to our producer not being here to oversee things, and as we’re leaving the building I wait until it’s just me and Robert left. I catch up with him as he’s standing outside the building, wrapping his arms around himself to defend himself from the chill, the breeze gently tousling his hair, and I feel a sudden urge to brush it away from his face to be able to look into his eyes. “Uh, sorry ‘bout earlier, Robin,” I say as I approach him, scratching the back of my head. “I know I made a twat of myself and -“  
“No, it’s alright, Simon,” Robert suddenly says, reaching out to gently grip my wrist as he looks up at me with a smile. “You… you did the right thing.”  
“You’re joking,” I can’t help but laugh in disbelief, casting my gaze down to my feet, and when I look back up I see Robert’s eyes go wide.  
“I’m not, I swear!” he tries to reassure me, a little bit anxious himself. When I meet his gaze and try to smile warmly, he lowers his eyes and blushes as he continues, “I was… sort of waiting for you to make yourself heard, actually.”  
I can’t believe it. All this time I thought he was avoiding me, when really he just wanted to hear me stand up for what I thought was right… “I - I don’t know what to say, I -“  
“Simon,” Robert smiles as he pulls me closer to him to stand by his side, and he turns round to face me and flings his arms around me. “It’s okay. Everything’s okay.” With that he presses his face against mine and kisses my cheek, and suddenly I feel a lot warmer than I did earlier, even though we’re both outside and it’s quite cold.  
“It’ll be better when the album’s finished,” says Robert as he pulls back to look at me, looking the happiest I’ve ever seen him in weeks. That was what I said to him the day I… but it sounds far more believable coming from him.  
Smiling, I wrap my arms around his waist and pull him closer against me, allowing him to rest his head on my shoulder. I instinctively let one hand move up to stroke his hair, and I hear him sigh against me, his body relaxing completely in my arms. For a while we just stay like this until Robert pulls away, smiling widely, and sits down on the pavement, inviting me to join him.  
As I lower myself down onto the ground I see him reach into his trouser pocket and pull something out, and I lean over, looking at the small white box with the familiar blue silhouetted figure on it. “Gitanes?” I ask him. “Didn’t know you still smoked those.”  
“Neither did I,” he grins as he flips the packet open and takes out a cigarette, spinning it around between his fingers before he asks me, “Actually, Si, have you got a lighter?”  
“Yeah,” I smile as I pull a lighter out of one of the pockets of my jeans, and as I flick it on I motion to Robert to lean in closer to me. He brings the cigarette up to his mouth as I light it, then mutters a quiet ‘thanks’ before he draws back and takes a long drag, and I watch him as he blows the smoke out into the chilly English air. Just then, he turns to me and asks me, “When was the last time we just sat here like this, you know, watching the world go by?”  
“Dunno,” I mutter as I light one of my own cigarettes. “Couple years ago, maybe? Uh, Robin… fancy a drag on this?”  
“Yeah, might as well,” Robert replies as he shifts a bit closer to me. He rests his right hand on the ground and takes hold of my wrist with his left, bringing my cigarette to his lips and taking a drag, but as he leans back he starts coughing, and I can’t help but laugh as he covers his mouth with his hand. “Trust you to laugh at my misfortune, you bastard!” he mock-scolds me, laughing and shaking his hair out of his face.  
Before I have a chance to apologise, though, he shifts a bit closer to me and leans his head on my shoulder, looking up at me and smiling as he whispers, “Love you, Si.”

I smile as I sling my free arm around my best friend and pull him closer against me, and we watch cars go by, just like we used to so long ago.

——————-  
 _Close my eyes  
Feel me now  
I don’t know how you could not love me now  
Here alone, when I feel down too  
Over there, when I await true love for you  
You can hide, oh now, the way I do  
You will see, oh now, oh the way I do…_

(Lyrics © My Bloody Valentine, 1991)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not entirely sure those My Bloody Valentine lyrics are right.


	5. Pt. 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I do not own or know the members of The Cure. Any events described here are entirely fictional and I make no profit from writing this. This definitely didn’t happen at any time around 2003 or 2004. Any song lyrics included are © the respective copyright holders.

“I’m just off to collect Evie from her nan’s,” Sarah says to me as she swoops round to the back of the sofa where I’m sitting. I can smell her perfume as she leans in to kiss my cheek, then gently laughs, “Don’t get up to anything silly while I’m away, will you?”  
I turn to face her for a moment. “‘kay,” I murmur as I manage a smile. “Tell her I said ‘daddy loves you lots’.”  
That’s the last I see of her before she fetches her coat and her keys and walks out the door, closing it after her. I lie back against the sofa as I bring a hand up to my forehead with a heavy sigh, closing my eyes as I let my mind wander.  
Because I’ve been so busy at the studio I’ve been seeing our daughter less than I usually would - she’s usually asleep or at nursery whenever I’m finally free to see her. For a moment I wonder what Evie will think of me when she’s old enough to form a concrete opinion of her parents, whether I’ll be just an absent figure to her or one of the most important people in her life, and I feel powerless to be able to influence her even though I know I shouldn’t. I’m her father, so why do I feel this way? Soon I remember my kids I had with Carol - Lily’s going to be starting secondary school soon, and I think Eden’s probably decided what he’s doing for his GCSEs by now. I remember him telling me once that Music was one of his first choices, and I couldn’t help but smile because even though his parents are separated I know he still looks up to me somehow. Lily on the other hand barely tells me anything - it must be because Carol and I got divorced not long after she was born so she doesn’t really know a lot about me. If only I hadn’t been so sick and depressed, then I would have been able to spend time with her and Eden before… I turn round to look out the window and see that it’s getting dark and raining hard outside. I know Evie’s grandparents live quite far away, and for a moment I hope Sarah’s able to find her way there through this downpour - and I remember she’s in the car, so at least she’ll be warm and dry.  
I get up off the sofa and stand by the window for a while, wishing it wasn’t raining so I could have a cigarette with the window open.

As soon as I start to get lost in my own thoughts I hear the doorbell ring, and I wonder who could possibly be calling at my house at this time and in this weather. I tear myself away from the window with a sigh and make my way toward the front door, thinking it might be Sarah and Evie, but when I open it I’m nearly knocked off my feet by the unexpected sight upon my doorstep.  
“Hey, Simon!” Robert laughs, pulling his coat tighter around him to defend himself from the rain. With a smile I let him in, and a gasp involuntarily escapes my throat as I finally see his face in the brighter light - his face is flushed from coming in from the cold, he’s wearing just a bit of eyeliner which has run slightly and his hair is wet and strewn across his face. He looks absolutely beautiful. “Uh, what should I do with my coat?” he asks me as he runs his hands through his hair.  
“There’s some coat hooks just over there, Robin, just put it on one of those,” I tell him, pointing to the row of coat hooks just on his left hand side. Robert lowers his eyes and smiles as he slips his coat off his shoulders, then turns to hang it up on one of the coat hooks, not caring that it’s still dripping onto the floor.  
“You don’t mind me being here, d’you, Si?” he tentatively asks me as he steps a little closer to me.  
I smile and say, “Course not, Robin, you haven’t shown up at my house in ages and I’ve really missed you being here, y’know. Uh, is there anything you need?”  
Robert smiles as he shakes his head, then makes his way into the living room where I was just earlier. I follow him and throw myself back on the sofa, and he comes toward me and sits down next to me. “So, um… Robin - uh, what brings you here?” I ask him a bit nervously, scratching the back of my head.  
“Dunno, I just wanted to see you,” he smiles as he turns to face me. “And, uh - I felt really awful about not speaking to you the past few days so, um -“  
“S’alright, I understand,” I say as I lean in closer to him, but not too much. “I said too much and I scared you and I feel -“  
Robert hides his face in his hands as he bursts out laughing, the sound filling my heart with a familiar warmth that I can only describe as love. “Simon, you didn’t scare me!” he grins as he brushes his hair away from his face. “You really didn’t! I just needed time to think about how I felt about you too - and I don’t hate you or anything, it’s okay.”  
“Yeah, I could’ve done worse, I s’pose,” I chuckle, and as I reach for the TV remote I turn to him and say, “Fancy taking the piss out of the TV?”  
“Uh, yeah, if that’s what you want to do,” Robert smiles widely as he shifts himself closer to me.  
We spend the next fifteen minutes making the most ridiculous observations, impersonating certain TV presenters, and just generally mercilessly lampooning predictable crime dramas, cheap game shows, the main news channels and utterly unnecessary reality TV shows, and I realise that this is the first time I’ve ever had time to spend with Robert outside the studio since we started working on the new album. I’ve just missed being with him, hearing him laugh, seeing him smile, feeling him here by my side, so relaxed and at ease. I can’t seem to take my eyes off him the whole time he’s here, and I’m not sure if I want to let him out of my sight, really - I feel like what we have at the moment is so precious and fragile that he might disappear if I dare to look away from him. At one point I pick up the courage to wrap my arm around him, and he smiles as he leans sideways on me, his eyelashes fluttering as he asks me, “When was the last time we did this?”  
I bite my lip as I slowly run my hand back and forth along his arm, and I turn to face him as I say, “Uh, 1981, I think.”  
“Really? Doesn’t seem that long ago…” he murmurs. “Didn’t we use to do this sort of thing when we were drunk?”  
I think back to the dozens of times on tour in the early eighties - they were always in a hotel room in some foreign country - when we drank all the beer in the fridge and laughed ourselves stupid at the exceptionally bad television shows the hotels usually had to offer. We were younger then, and we had our whole future ahead of us, but we didn’t care. All that mattered was now. Just like this very moment.  
“Simon, are you alright?” Robert asks me as he sits up and turns round to face me.  
“Uh - yeah, I’m fine,” I say. “Just got a bit on my mind.”  
Robert smiles sweetly as he reaches forward to take my hand in his. “You can talk to me about it if you want,” he says, his voice low and soft and encouraging, and I take a deep breath before I begin to babble on about the studio, my fears that I’m growing distant from my family, about our friendship, about anything and everything that I feel like I need to talk about but I haven’t been able to before. All throughout I watch the look of astonishment and empathy upon his face, and with every word I say I feel like I’m saying far too much. When I’m finished speaking I let out a long and heavy sigh, bringing my hand up to my forehead.  
Just then I feel Robert leaning forward and gently placing his hand beneath my chin, lifting my head up to be able to see me, before he moves my hand away from my face and takes it in his own. “Simon,” he simply says, “I understand.”  
“Really?” I ask him tentatively. “Do you -“  
“Simon, I feel like I’m drifting further and further away from everyone I’ve ever known,” he begins, grasping my hand tightly. “I’m gradually isolating myself from my loved ones, and I don’t even know if I’m doing it against my own will or not. It’s just… happening.”  
A moment’s silence passes between us, not an awkward silence but one of understanding, the only sound coming from the TV in the corner of the room. After a while, I wrench my hand out of Robert’s grasp, reaching for the remote and turning off the TV, before I turn to face him and rest my hands on his shoulders, gripping tightly. “Robin,” I begin, my voice shaking a bit, “I just want you to know that I’ll never let you drift away from me, ever.”  
Just as I lean in toward him I register the look of slight apprehension upon his face, and I stop myself just in time before I end up doing anything stupid. I move a hand to gently caress his cheek as I whisper, “Is it okay if I…?” When I see him nod his head, his eyes lowered again, I move that same hand round to the back of his head as I lean in toward him and gently press my lips against his. I wrap my other arm around him to pull him close against me, deepening the kiss, and he gasps against my mouth and flings his arm around my upper back to support himself. Before even I know it, I’m laying Robert down upon the sofa, moving my hand away from the back of his head and running it along his body as he reaches up and fists his hands in my hair. It’s not until I’m urgently grasping his thigh that I feel him trying to pull away, so I reluctantly tear my mouth away from his, gazing down at him as he tries to catch his breath.  
“What d’you want, Si…?” Robert murmurs shakily, one of his hands moving to my shoulder.  
I gently slip my hand beneath his neck as I lean into him to whisper in his ear, “You, Robin… I just want to love you…”  
“But, Simon, I -” he stammers nervously, tensing underneath me. “What about -“  
“Oh, Robin,” I coo, wrapping my arms around him and planting kisses all over his face. “I promise you, no-one else has to know about this… and you can tell me stop anytime you feel you need to… Robin?”  
Robert keeps gazing up at me with wide blue eyes, biting his lip, until he finally lowers his eyes and mutters a quiet “Okay.” Consent given, I smile as I lift myself off him to stand by the sofa, reaching an arm out for him to take my hand, and I help him off the sofa and onto his feet. Then I lead him out of the living room and up the stairs until I find mine and Sarah’s bedroom, and I let go of his hand for a moment to push the door open, beckoning him inside.

“Best take off your shoes, Rob,” I tell him. It takes him a while for him to undo all the buckles on his boots and slip them off, but I wait patiently, slipping my hands into my pockets and lowering my head, smiling slightly. When he’s finished he comes toward me and follows me over to the side of the bed, and I turn round to face him and pull him into my arms, lifting him up off his feet before I lay him down upon the mattress and climb on top of him. I gently rest my hands on Robert’s waist, taking a moment to just take in the sight of him lying beneath me, and I let them move up to his upper arms as I lean in to kiss him again. This time he almost seems to melt against me, his arms coming up to wrap themselves around my neck as I let my hands wander all over him, memorising the feel and the shape of his body using only my palms and fingertips.  
Robert lets one of his hands move to the back of my head to thread his fingers into my hair, and I pull my mouth away from his and plant kisses all over his face, eventually moving down to his neck. I hear him gasp quietly as my lips meet his skin, and I let my hands slip up to undo the top buttons of his shirt, pausing only to pull my face away from his neck to meet his gaze, wordlessly asking for permission to continue. He closes his eyes and tilts back his head, his fingers winding themselves tighter into my hair, and I smile and take my time as I unbutton the rest of his shirt, eagerly anticipating the sight that awaits me.  
“Simon, I - I’m sorry if -” Robert stammers nervously, and I can sense his self-consciousness as I reach up to gently run my fingers through his hair. “Robin, it’s okay,” I gently reassure him. “You don’t need to apologise for a thing.” He continues to gaze back up at me in awe, until his expression softens and he manages a smile, and I lean in and kiss his forehead as I gently brush away his shirt to expose his chest.  
As I pull away to look down at Robert, a gasp escapes my throat as I set my eyes upon this gorgeous sight before me; my best friend lying underneath me, his hair strewn across his face and against the pillows and his shirt opened, his bare chest exposed to me, and my hands and my lips beg with me to touch and kiss his soft and beautiful body. I gently lay my hands upon his shoulders as I lean into him and murmur, “Oh, Robin, you’re so gorgeous… you’re just like I’ve always dreamed.” He gazes up at me in a mixture of adoration and disbelief, and I gently rest my hands on his chest as I lean in and kiss him again.  
I feel his arms wrap around my back and pull me close to him as I run my hands all over him again, feeling him still shaking a bit beneath me, and he gasps softly against my mouth as my fingers trail goosebumps on his skin. I could spend an eternity just touching him like this, just savouring the feel of his warm body, so silky smooth beneath my hands - and after a while I break the kiss to gently suck at his neck again, listening to the faint whispery breaths that escape his throat. I can’t help but moan softly against Robert’s skin as all of my senses become completely overwhelmed with him, and already I find myself needing to see all of him, to really show him how much I love him. Just then I notice my own fingers brushing against his nipples, and I hear him gasp loudly, his arms tightening around my back.  
“Robin -” I say as I pull my face away from his neck to gaze back at him in awe, “Did y - did you like that?”  
“Uh - yeah,” Robert breathes, his hand shaking a bit as he laces his fingers in my hair. “I - don’t stop, Simon…”  
I smile back at him as I move my left hand up to stroke his neck, then let the other slide back toward his chest, watching as he closes his eyes and his lips part in anticipation. As my fingers on my other hand find a nipple I feel him shudder a bit, his breath escaping his mouth in a quiet gasp, and for a moment I pause to gauge his reaction. He murmurs my name, tilting his head to one side but never opening his eyes, and I can’t help but smile again as I let my hand on his neck slip up to caress his face before I touch him again.  
As I gently rub my fingers against Robert’s nipple I feel him tangling his fingers in my hair as his other hand glides softly along my back, and as I watch the way he responds to my touch - the blissful, sort of far-away look upon his face, the faint smile that curves the corners of his mouth slightly, the way he moves under me - I find myself needing to go ahead and take all of him already, to be buried deep inside of him, though I know that’ll have to wait. He presses his face against my hand as I feel the soft, sensitive flesh becoming firmer beneath my fingers, and already I can hear him moaning quietly, the sound like music to my ears. I lean in and press my lips to the hollow of Robert’s throat, eliciting a breathy gasp, then make my way down toward his chest with little kisses, never taking either of my hands off him all the while. For a moment I cease all activity and look up at his face, and he opens his eyes and gazes back at me for a moment, anxiously, and my left hand slides to the back of his head as I lean back down and draw his other nipple into my mouth, causing him to tug harder at my hair.  
“Simon - ah…” I hear Robert gasp as he tries to press my head closer, his other arm wrapping tighter around me, and I slip my left hand further down to run it along his back, feeling him gently trembling beneath me. I keep my eyes fixed on his face the whole time - the sight of him with his head thrown back and his mouth wide open is just the most gorgeous sight I’ve laid eyes upon in my life - and I can’t help but murmur his name against him as he arches up slightly against me. Before I know it I’m bringing my left hand around to run it along the side of his body, letting it slip further downward toward his thigh, but it’s not until I try to touch him that he tries to push me away. I stop and draw back, meeting Robert’s gaze as he looks back at me with an urgency that I don’t quite recognise yet.  
I gently grip his upper arms and pull him forward to brush his shirt away from his shoulders and throw it onto the floor, and in return he reaches out and touches my cheek before he moves his hands down to pull my black singlet up over my head, tossing it aside afterwards. I watch his eyes light up as he sees me, a light blush colouring his cheeks, and I lower my eyes and smile a little as I wrap my arms around myself, suddenly feeling the slight chill that pervades this room. Robert reaches forward again and gently takes hold of my wrists before he rests my hands on his waist, looking back at me eagerly, and I take the cue and let my hands slip further down until they find the waistband of his trousers. I lock eyes with him for a moment, and with a sweet smile he lies back down and folds his arms above his head, encouraging me to continue.  
I watch his eyelashes fluttering as I undo his trousers and gently pull them off, tossing them onto the floor where both our clothes lie before I lower myself on top of him and wrap my arms around his waist, pressing his body close against mine. As his arms come up to wrap themselves around my neck I lean in and press my lips to his, hearing him sigh against my mouth. His hands move to sweep circles on my back as I grind my crotch against his, feeling him writhe beneath me - already my head’s reeling at the feel of his bare skin against mine, and soon I know that I need to take this further before I get too carried away. Soon Robert breaks the kiss to bury his face against my neck, nuzzling me, and I feel his warm breath on my skin as I slow down, eventually coming to a complete halt.  
“Robin,” I say as I lift myself off of Robert, letting my hands move toward his hips, “is it alright if I…”  
“Uh - yeah,” he breathes, gazing up at me with shining blue-grey eyes.  
Permission granted, I lean back to kneel before him, then gently slide my fingers into the waistband of his boxers, pausing only to look back at him for a moment. As I see the peaceful expression upon his face, I go ahead and slowly bring them down over his thighs, past his slightly bent knees and down to his ankles before I slip them off completely, dropping them onto the floor. Leaning forward again to be face to face with Robert again, I bring a hand up to gently cup his cheek, and he leans into the palm of my hand, closing his eyes and smiling faintly as I gently stroke his face with my thumb. Soon I bring it away and ease both my hands in between his thighs, encouraging his legs to open, but I feel him instinctively stiffen underneath me as he gasps quietly in shock.  
“Simon -” he protests, his eyes flying open, and in them I see traces of uncertainty - even fear. “I - I don’t know if -“  
“Oh, love,” I murmur soothingly as I lean into him and lift a hand to stroke his hair. “I swear, I don’t want to hurt you… I just want to make it easier for you too, Robin… it’s alright.”  
Robert continues to gaze back up at me with wide blue-grey eyes, until I move my hand to caress his face as I kiss his forehead. At that instant I feel his body relaxing underneath me, so I draw back and bring my hands back down to gently spread his thighs, letting them linger there for a moment, and meet his gaze once more before I lean in again.  
I let my hands slide toward his hips as I press little kisses all over his chest, slowly making my way downwards, and I feel him reach for me as my lips meet his pale skin, his hand shaking a bit as he grasps the back of my head. His breath catches slightly in anticipation, and already I can feel the gentle shivers running through him as I’m kissing his belly, my hands gripping him a bit harder as I get closer and closer. Eventually I stop, and I look up at Robert for a moment and catch his gaze as I kneel before him, letting my hands slide up to grasp his thighs before I lower my head between them.  
I hear a loud, almost startled gasp from above as I take him in my mouth, feeling him shudder underneath me, and his fingers wind themselves tighter into my hair as he lets his head fall back and starts to breathe harder. As I wordlessly murmur my adoration against Robert’s skin I feel him lifting his hips to meet my mouth, his other hand slipping down to run his fingers through my hair as I listen to the sounds he makes, his soft, quiet moans urging me on. I move my hands away to slip my arms beneath his lower back, pulling him in closer to me and allowing me to completely bury my face between his thighs, and as I hear a gasp escape his throat I stop to look up at him for a moment, and he brings his head forward to meet my gaze, biting his lip to hold back another moan. The sight that meets my eyes is too beautiful for me to be able to take; the sight of Robert gazing back at me in wonderment, his blue eyes wide and sparkling, his hair in almost complete disarray and his cheeks flushed - a light peachy pink on milky white skin - so I pull away to crawl up towards him and pepper kisses all over his face. He lets go of the back of my head to wrap his arms around my back again, pulling me closer to him, and that’s when I realise there’s something I need to do.  
“Robin,” I murmur as I pull my face away from his to gaze back down at him, registering the slightly startled look on his face. He moves his hands to gently grasp my upper arms as he replies with a quiet “Yeah?”  
I take a deep breath before I continue. “Robin, there’s - there’s something I need to do, and I don’t know how you’ll react to it so, um, I thought I should ask you first… will you let me put my fingers inside you?”  
At that moment I see Robert’s eyes go wide as he stiffens beneath me again, his fingernails digging into my arms, and I can’t help but think that he reminds me of a deer caught in the headlights of a car as he tries to speak. “I… Simon, I don’t - I’m not sure -“  
“Oh, Robin, I promise you it’ll be alright,” I try to soothe him as I take his face in both my hands, “if I’m hurting you, you can tell me to stop and I will - just please let me do this… please?”  
He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, thinking it over for a bit, then he lets go of my upper arms to grasp the pillow beneath his head as he nods his consent. With a sigh of relief I lean in to press dozens of tiny kisses all over Robert’s face, then reach over to one side and rummage blindly through the top drawer of the dressing table until I find the bottle of lube that I’ve been keeping there just in case. After I uncap the bottle and pour a liberal amount of the clear liquid onto the middle and index fingers of my right hand, I drop it nearby just in case, then kneel before Robert and gently place my left hand on his knee to brace myself.  
As I gently and cautiously lower my right hand between Robert’s legs, instantly finding the place where he opens, I feel him tense up again and see him fisting his hands in the pillow as he gasps. “I need you to relax for me, lovely,” I urge him as I allow my left hand slip down to stroke his thigh, and I feel him trembling softly against the palm of my hand as he takes a deep breath in an effort to encourage himself to relax. When he finally does, I carefully ease a slick finger in past the guarding barrier and into his warm body, and he softly cries out and arches his back, clutching the pillow with shaking hands. “Oh, Christ,” I whisper to myself at the sight of Robert gasping for breath in front of me, and I wait for him to settle completely before I push the second finger inside.  
I feel him reaching out to grab my right upper arm, digging his nails into my skin as I begin to move my fingers, slowly at first to allow him to get used to the feeling, and I can’t help but watch as he starts to pant heavily, the occasional whimper escaping his mouth, wide open in a blissful trance. He tosses his head to one side, quivering with need as my fingers gently work him open, and as I move my free hand away from his thigh to slip it round the back of his head I hear him moaning softly, shutting his eyes tight and arching against the sensation. “Ah - ah… oh god, Simon… nnnhh - ohhhhh,” Robert gasps into the pillow, his hand gripping my arm tighter as he pushes back against my fingers, possibly seeking more, and in response I lean in and bury my face against his cheek, running my fingers on my free hand through his hair as I breathe him in. The smell of the rain outside is still lingering on his skin and in his hair, and I groan quietly as I take in his scent, the need to be making love to him already taking over every ounce of my being.  
“Robin,” I pull my face away from his to murmur in his ear.  
Just then I feel Robert relaxing his grip on my right arm and I see his eyes opening as he turns his head to look up at me, biting his lip to stifle another whimper before he breathes, “Y-yeah?”  
I move my left hand to gently grip his wrist as I slide my fingers out, feeling him shudder and inhale sharply at their loss, then kiss the back of his hand in order to soothe him. “I need you, Robin,” I plead softly, trying my hardest not to pressure him into anything. “Will you… will you let me have you?”  
Robert continues to gaze back up at me for a moment, his eyes still wide and unblinking, until he finds his voice and asks me, “H-how d’you mean…?”  
“Robin, I want to, um… make love to you,” I stammer, blushing violently at my own words, before I take a deep breath and continue. “I - I… like I said before, if you want me to stop, then I’ll stop… all I want is for this to be good for you too. It’ll be okay, Robin, I promise.”  
When I’m finished speaking I lower my eyes, knowing that I’ve said it all wrong and preparing myself for the worst - but instead I feel Robert slipping his hands round to the back of my head and pulling me down to kiss me. As we break apart I pull back a little to look down at his face, and I see that he’s looking back up at me with bright, warm eyes and the sweetest smile I’ve ever known. He lets one hand slip toward my face, and I feel his delicate fingertips brushing against my cheek as he whispers,  
“Okay.”  
Smiling, I pull away from him and lean back to unbutton and unzip my jeans, then swiftly pull them off along with my boxers and toss them onto the floor, watching his eyes widen at the sight of me. I crawl back toward him to be able to reach the dressing table and fumble through the top drawer again until I find one of the several condom packets I’ve been keeping there for a while, then rip the packet open with my teeth and carefully slip the condom on, my hands shaking a bit in anticipation. My heart’s pounding in my chest with each second that passes, and as I look back at Robert and see the look of amazement in his eyes I understand everything without either of us having to say a word. I smile and lean in to kiss his forehead, then reach over to one side for the lube, uncapping the bottle again and pouring the rest of it into the palm of my hand before I rub it over my cock, making sure to coat every inch.  
“Here, grab my hand,” I say as I hold out my left hand to him.  
As Robert reaches out to take my hand and closes his eyes, I reach back and gently hook my free arm beneath his leg, pulling it back a little bit for better access, then look back at him and see him take a deep breath, clutching my hand tighter. I look down for a moment and shift forward until we’re just barely touching, then slowly push into him before I look straight back up at the sound of his slightly pained gasp and see his head tossed back, eyes flying open in shock. I stop when I’m about a quarter of the way inside him, waiting for him to relax completely, then gently run my thumb along his hand as I ask him, “Are you okay?”  
“Uh - yeah… I think so,” Robert breathes shakily as he brings his head forward to meet my gaze, his hair falling over his eyes, and I move my right arm to allow him to rest his foot back on the mattress and bring my hand up to gently brush the stray strands away from his face. “Robin, I need you to relax so I can, um…” I murmur, trailing my fingertips over his soft cheeks, and as he lets go of my hand to grasp the back of my head I finally feel his body relaxing, allowing me to slide in deeper.  
I feel his fingers tangling themselves in my hair as I start to move slowly, never taking my eyes off his face, and as I see him tilt back his head and part his delicate pink lips I slip both my hands beneath his arms to grip him tightly, my thumbs gently pressing into his silky skin. As Robert wraps his other arm around my back to pull me closer against him I hear his breath quickening, and I lean in to kiss him, swallowing the first quiet whimper that leaves his mouth as I begin to steadily speed up my pace. With his other hand on the back of my head he presses my face closer to his to deepen the kiss, and already I can feel him rolling his hips up against mine, meeting my thrusts, so I pull my mouth away from his and slide a hand beneath his neck to tilt his head forward. I hear him gasping as I lean in and rest my forehead against his, my other hand moving all over every inch of his quivering body, and he moves his hands to grab at my upper arms, still gazing up at me with wide blue eyes.  
Soon I pull away to look back down at Robert as I begin to thrust harder, hearing him moan and breathe heavily, tipping his head back again and arching up against me to gain more contact. Bowing my head and biting my lip to stifle a groan, I reach back and gently grasp his thighs, lifting his trembling legs up to wrap them around my waist, and I’m rewarded by feeling him press the heels of his feet into my back to pull me deeper into him. He flings his arms around my neck again, gasping my name over and over as I bury my face against his neck, and I groan against his skin as I breathe him in.  
In a way, I still sort of can’t believe this - all of this - is really happening; I’ve dreamed of it, even hoped for it for years, but I never really imagined I’d experience it for real. Just the feel of Robert writhing against me in ecstasy as I’m buried inside his heat and the sound of him panting and whimpering are both incredible, but deep down I know that there’s so much more to what we have right now than just physical feeling; to me it’s like I’m giving all of my heart and soul to him like I couldn’t before and I’m receiving his in return. I pull my face away from Robert’s neck and shift down a little to kiss him all over his chest, wrapping my arms around him to pull him close, and my head’s reeling at the feel of his skin against my lips and the palms of my hands - this soft white skin I’ve been longing to touch and kiss for well over half my life… As I push deeper and deeper inside him I feel his shaking hands clinging to the back of my head as he cries out loud, suddenly tensing and quivering underneath me, and I know.  
“Robin, it’s - it’s okay,” I gasp as I lift my head up off his chest to look back at his face, searching for his hand to take it in mine. As he brings his head forward to meet my gaze I see him smiling a little as he breathes, “I know, Si… please don’t stop.”  
I move up a little to capture Robert’s mouth in a passionate kiss as I continue to thrust harder into him, and I feel him grabbing at my back in desperation and his thighs squeezing my sides as he moans loudly against my mouth. He bites down gently on my lower lip, breaking the kiss, and he’s gripping my hand tighter and tighter and throwing his head back to gasp for breath, but instead he arches his back and cries out my name, clinging to me for dear life. “Aaaaahh, Si - oh god, Simon - oh god…!” I hear him panting as I move faster, and he suddenly pulls me closer against him to feel more of me, just as I let my right hand slip between his thighs to bring him closer to his release, drawing a long, breathless gasp from his throat.  
“S-simon, I - I think I’m close… I - ahhh, aaahhh, I’m so -” Robert whimpers, bucking urgently underneath me, and his words trail off into a series of desperate sobs and cries as he tangles his fingers in my hair, wordlessly begging me to keep going. Just as I grit my teeth and thrust deeper into him I see his eyes widen as he urges, “Tell me you love me again, Si, p-please…!”  
I feel a familiar warmth flooding up my eyes as I bring my face closer to his and whisper, my voice shaking,  
“I love you, Robin… I always have, and I always will…”  
With that I let go of his hand and slip it round to the back of his neck, bringing his head forward to be able to kiss him, and as he flings his free arm around my back I taste our tears as they find their way into our mouths. Soon I feel Robert spasming against me, pulling me closer and holding me tighter, and just as I drive myself deeper inside of him I see him throw his head back, breaking the kiss, and a half-scream, half-sob escapes him as he comes in my hand, his body shaking with the intensity. “Oh, fuck,” I gasp at the extraordinarily beautiful sight of my best friend coming, and as I continue to thrust into him I suddenly feel his muscles still clenching around me, triggering my own orgasm, and I bow my head and squeeze my eyes shut, the last remaining tears pouring from my eyes as I explode, crying out his name -  
“ROBERT!!!!”  
And I’m crying because I know that this is the only time I’ll ever know another moment as beautiful as this in my entire life.  
With a final shudder I collapse on top of Robert, and I wrap my arms around him and bury my face between his neck and his shoulder, catching my breath as I finally become aware of the sound of the pouring rain outside. As I hear his breathing slow down I feel one of his hands lazily sweeping circles on my back, the other stroking my hair, and I sigh happily against his skin as he tilts his head to one side, nuzzling me. I pull my face away from Robert’s neck to look back down at him, and a quiet gasp escapes my mouth as I set my eyes upon his gorgeous face, his flushed cheeks still damp with tears, dark hair clinging to his sweaty forehead, kiss-swollen lips parted in a faint smile. As I bring up a hand to gently caress his face I lean in and kiss away his tears.

Just a few minutes later I’m lying underneath the crumpled sheets with Robert curled up by my side, my arm wrapped around him to keep him close, and he’s resting his head on my shoulder as I run my fingers through his hair. I’ve known a few ‘perfect moments’ in my life - some I’ve quickly forgotten, some I haven’t - but I’m positive that this is what I’ve been waiting for all my life; to just be here with the one I’ve always loved, both of us completely and utterly lost in one another, all our cares and troubles far behind us for just one day. As I turn my head towards Robert and catch his gaze, I gently place my hand underneath his chin to lift his head up before I lean in and kiss his forehead, and it’s then that he opens his mouth to speak.  
“Si…” he says quietly, looking up at me with heavy-lidded blue-grey eyes.  
I move my hand to brush my fingertips over his face as I reply with a soft, “Yeah?”  
Robert shifts in my arms a little, snuggling up closer against me to gain more contact. “… Where do we go from here?” he asks me as he lifts his head to meet my eyes.  
 _Where do we go from here…?_ That’s a good question, actually. For years I’ve yearned for my best friend, but now that I actually have him here with me I’m not really sure what’s going to happen next. “Don’t know,” I smile, taking his hand in mine and resting my forehead against his.  
“Me neither,” he chuckles quietly, lowering his eyes as a faint blush colours his cheeks.  
As I pull my face away I rest my head back on the pillows, and Robert leans in to kiss my cheek before he rests his head back on my shoulder. I turn my gaze toward the window to watch the rain falling outside, droplets trickling down the glass like little tears, and I can almost feel him drifting off to sleep by my side as I wonder for a split second what tomorrow will bring.

——————-  
 _Another moment  
There always is  
As time stands still  
And always is this  
One endless moment  
You tell me all  
And I hold you and I kiss you  
And I never let you go  
I never let you go…_

(Lyrics © The Cure, 2004)


End file.
